In a few days I will speak to some members of my church about dealing with their "Cravings" and share more about my journey of weight loss. I agreed to do this speaking engagement months ago. I remember telling my pastor, "It's hard to speak to others and encourage them when I am in such a tough place myself." I know that my journey is important to share. I see lives changed through my courage to speak about food and God.
But I have to admit, I have never felt so unworthy of the cause right now.
I am struggling with more than just my faith...I am struggling with my weight. Here is the truth that I haven't wanted to share with all of you...I have gained back 30 pounds over the past year. Ugh...I hate even writing that. I worked SO HARD to get to where I was and I feel so defeated. Yes, I have tried to lose it again but it is harder this time. Things that worked before, are not working. I am not working a job right now and haven't been for the past 5 months. All day full of time to sit around and think about what to eat. It has been a tough 5 months for so many reasons. I am sad to share this with you but at least you know I am human. This part of the journey is usually not part of the books or blogs you read about weight loss. I will blog more about gaining the weight back...I am sure some of you can relate to that.
So here I am, preparing what I will say to others about how God is faithful to help you with your issues with food. I feel like a bit of a fraud. I do know those truths...I have seen them work but I am not trusting now. Maybe this speaking event is more for me than them. Isn't that a crazy thought...?
Satan LOVES me like this because I hear his lies louder than ever. These are his lies...
You have no right to tell these people to trust God
God has left you to deal with this weight, you are the one who put it back on
You are not qualified to do this
Who do you think you are?
This is when I have to tell myself who I really am. I am a child of God who has been given the opportunity to share the gospel. I am a real woman, with real struggles that has seen the promises of God in her life.
God does not call those who are equipped, he equips those He calls. I am called to speak the words, God is the one that works in the people hearing them. That is beyond me but I am being faithful and doing what is asked of me.
I don't have to be perfect to be a tool used by God. He actually prefers the broken because He can shine through the cracks.
Please be in prayer that I can be a faithful servant on Sunday and that my words...my honest words...will help change the life of someone listening.
I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons. The first one being that we have been going through some tough stuff, so tough that we aren't sharing it with others. This is a whole new area for me since I have been so open about everything else in my life. With that said, you can guess the seriousness. The second reason being that I don't like writing depressing posts...no one wants to read how sad and awful things are and it doesn't help me to feel better about it by sharing it with others. Lastly, I have been at a loss for words lately. Something that I am not familiar with. I believe in being real in my posts and not sugar coating everything so I thought it better to not say anything at all. But I realized that there may be others in my same position that could relate... so here we go.
Even though I am in a place that I never thought I would be...I do still see God around me. It is such a weird feeling when you are at one of your lowest points, yet you know that God is right there with you. He knows where you are, how you are feeling and yet you feel like he is "letting" all this happen.
If you told me, when I was 22, that I would be unemployed, still struggling financially and without any children at the age of 29...I would have never believed you. This is so far from my plan that it wasn't even an option for plan B, C or even Z. A few years ago I started watching my dreams disappear...one by one I watched them taken away from me. Jobs I wanted, goals I wanted to accomplish and now I have seen dreams taken away that I didn't even know how badly I wanted. It is like God is wiping my slate clean. For something better to come along...I am sure, but it is hard to see that from where I stand.
I just look at my wonderful husband and say, "How did we get here?" When I say that, there is a genuine look of confusion on my face. Faith is hard. Harder than I had ever thought. Having faith is one thing...keeping it in the face of trial after trial after trial is a whole other story.
One thing about faith that I don't think people talk about is speaking the truths, even if you are questioning them. For example, I know God has a plan for me and that He wants to give me hope and a future....but right now I don't feel like that will happen. But I will still say it to myself and to others because God's promises do not depend on my feelings. When I don't get an interview for a job that I really wanted, I have to say to myself that God has something better in mind....even though I don't feel that way.
Our feelings are not stable or trustworthy or even note worthy at times. God is constant, never changing and no matter how I feel about it...He is still the same. How can I have rational feelings about my situation when I can only see a small piece of the puzzle....God can see it all. Start to finish. So here I am...trusting in His promises, regardless of my feelings.
This song by Casting Crowns is such a good representation of my life right now.
"From where I'm standing. Lord, it's so hard for me to see where this is going..."
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11