I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons. The first one being that we have been going through some tough stuff, so tough that we aren't sharing it with others. This is a whole new area for me since I have been so open about everything else in my life. With that said, you can guess the seriousness. The second reason being that I don't like writing depressing posts...no one wants to read how sad and awful things are and it doesn't help me to feel better about it by sharing it with others. Lastly, I have been at a loss for words lately. Something that I am not familiar with. I believe in being real in my posts and not sugar coating everything so I thought it better to not say anything at all. But I realized that there may be others in my same position that could relate... so here we go.
Even though I am in a place that I never thought I would be...I do still see God around me. It is such a weird feeling when you are at one of your lowest points, yet you know that God is right there with you. He knows where you are, how you are feeling and yet you feel like he is "letting" all this happen.
If you told me, when I was 22, that I would be unemployed, still struggling financially and without any children at the age of 29...I would have never believed you. This is so far from my plan that it wasn't even an option for plan B, C or even Z. A few years ago I started watching my dreams disappear...one by one I watched them taken away from me. Jobs I wanted, goals I wanted to accomplish and now I have seen dreams taken away that I didn't even know how badly I wanted. It is like God is wiping my slate clean. For something better to come along...I am sure, but it is hard to see that from where I stand.
I just look at my wonderful husband and say, "How did we get here?" When I say that, there is a genuine look of confusion on my face. Faith is hard. Harder than I had ever thought. Having faith is one thing...keeping it in the face of trial after trial after trial is a whole other story.
One thing about faith that I don't think people talk about is speaking the truths, even if you are questioning them. For example, I know God has a plan for me and that He wants to give me hope and a future....but right now I don't feel like that will happen. But I will still say it to myself and to others because God's promises do not depend on my feelings. When I don't get an interview for a job that I really wanted, I have to say to myself that God has something better in mind....even though I don't feel that way.
Our feelings are not stable or trustworthy or even note worthy at times. God is constant, never changing and no matter how I feel about it...He is still the same. How can I have rational feelings about my situation when I can only see a small piece of the puzzle....God can see it all. Start to finish. So here I am...trusting in His promises, regardless of my feelings.
This song by Casting Crowns is such a good representation of my life right now.
"From where I'm standing. Lord, it's so hard for me to see where this is going..."
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11