But God...I am so tired

There are some days when I feel exhausted after working 3 jobs but usually after a good night's sleep..I am back! Not this week...day after day I feel more tired. Physically...mentally...emotionally...exhausted. My prayer to God of "Please give me energy" is spoken many times a day. I find myself asking, "Will I have enough energy to fulfill God's plan let alone make it through today?" I have the desire and the obedience but how can I take on anymore?

I started wondering why God didn't make us stronger??? I could do SO much more for His glory if I wasn't so wiped out after the day is over!! We have to realize that we were never meant to carry the burdens of this life alone. God created us to be weak so we could find our strength IN Him! It is through Jesus Christ that all things are possible...ALL THINGS. Well, if God can heal the sick and save the sinners...I know He can give me all the energy I need to fulfill His plan for my life. All I need to do is trust Him. I truly believe that God will never give us more than we can handle and everything has a purpose. Every tear and every laugh has purpose.

When I am as tired as I am today...I find myself speaking to God almost on an hourly schedule. God please keep me stay awake while I am driving. God please help my students not be so nervous. God help me to not have a short temper with my husband....and so on. Maybe exhaustion's purpose is to bring us back to focus and remind us that the ALL things come from above. Even the ability to get out of bed, drive a car or make dinner. So next time you find yourself tired, really tired...stop and don't pray for a lighter load, just pray for a stronger back. He will take care of you and give you all the energy you need.

Not Perfect but Forgiven

I wish I could be perfect for God. Perfect past and perfect future. That is impossible...especially considering the past. It seems even when I have the best intentions I can stray so easily. I find myself wishing that when I offer advice...I could say that I didn't give in and you shouldn't either...but that usually isn't the case. How can you encourage people to follow Christ if I can't do it right all the time? On the other hand, why should we take advice from people who didn't follow their OWN advice? It is a tough question that has been on my mind lately. A question that I am still not sure what to with...

While reading the "What happens when women say Yes to God" by Lysa Terkeurst today I came across something close to an answer:

God doesn't expect perfection from us, He expects a person humble enough to admit their weeknesses and committed enough to press through and press on.He will guide us past the doubts and fears and list us up to fulfill our calling.

I can do that...I can admit my weaknesses but still have the commitment to my Lord to press on and keep trying to glorify Him in all that I can do. It is through HIM that I will be able to rise to His purpose...and only through Him. I am already forgiven and covered in grace even with all my imperfections. That is pretty hard to wrap your mind around but it is true...today, tomorrow and forever. 

Who will I be today?

Even though my heart has changed and I am a different person than I was a few years ago...sometimes I find that old self just creeping back in. When I am in company of certain people or in a particular place, for some reason there are slight changes in my behavior. Some of them are conscious and some of them are not.

I teach courses at a local college and it happens to be the same school I attended when I was in college. It is something about being on that campus or possibly it is being around a bunch of impressionable college kids, that makes my behavior change a little. I find myself making jokes that I usually wouldn't make or using language that hasn't been part of my vocabulary in a while. This isn't a Christian school so maybe I feel a little more freedom since I spend most of my days working at a Christian school. But I am a Christian and that is not based around a geographical location.

Well, whatever this is and why it is happening has been on my mind lately. I don't like "putting on a show" for anyone, ever so I just want to be one of those people who is genuine and purely themselves all the time! Do these people even exist?

As a challenge to myself and to you...I will start trying to not change my behavior based on my situation.  That may mean having some friends ask me, "Why are you acting different today?" or not being as "liked" by my college students or making people feel a little uncomfortable but these are all opportunities to show as example of what is looks like to life my life for Christ. Not just at this place and with these people...but across the board.

I would rather be someone that stands out in a positive way then someone who blends into the mundane crowd. I know that I have difficulty explaining why I have changed parts of my life to the people around me. When people ask, I am tempted to say "just because" or "it really isn't a big deal" but it is! Now, my response will be, "I have chosen to live my life differently because my life has been changed by Jesus Christ" Although it is difficult to say...once the words come out of my mouth...I can feel Jesus becoming more real to me each time. He also becomes more real to the people around me which is the real big picture of this all. Having my Jesus become more real in my everyday life and showing others the love and peace that He can bring to their lives as well.

the 11th hour...

Today is the 1st of the month...the day that our mortgage is due. The past 3 months have been very challenging for us financially. For a few weeks I would stress out about it...then I would try not to think about it...then I would trust in God for a few weeks and this has been a cycle for the past 3 months and honestly the past 3 years. Well, this last month I was too tired to be stressed, too smart to ignore it and so all I was left with was trusting God. I remember my friends looking at me like I was crazy when I would simply say, "well, I don't know how we are going to make the payment but I trust that God will provide"
This was ok, till we have about 7 days left...due to the work God has been doing in my heart the past 3 months, I was able to say that with more and more conviction. August 30th came along and we had come to this conclusion:

"We are so blessed that God provided all that He did...It's not bad at all, that we just need to find a few hundred bucks from somewhere else. I was still very grateful and felt blessed that we had made it out with only a little in the red. I had actually celebrated that we had made it through the summer"

September 1st started rough...my alarm didn't go off but my dog's impatient bladder saved the day and woke me up just a little late. I knew it was the first and I had to go online and make the payment but I was debating where to get the little we didn't have. Credit line? Borrow from family? Credit Card? I had just put it on the back burner for the work day...

Well, something happened that never happens...I can't give details but a check was given to me. A check that had been in the making months and months before. If you knew all the circumstances...you would know just how unlikely this was to ever happen. It was what we needed and more...I broke down. I felt God blessing my patience and trust in His provision. It was much more than I could have every expected...not a life changing amount but it changed my heart. On the day the payment was due, my Jesus came through. This was just one miracle of the day and I will share the others later but this was so big for me.

God knows your heart and knows your needs. I felt so much joy today that I hope others can feel when God answers their prayers. He is there, He is real and He will provide. God is so good...today was the best day in a very long time.