1. That time of the month? nope
2. A lot going on in life? Yes...more than a lot
3. Have I been making good and empowering food choices? Yes
4. Am I spending time in God's word and in Prayer? oh yeah...more than ever before
Then why am I feeling this way? I was confused at first because I thought this "craving Him and not food" thing would make me feel stronger and not weaker. Confident and not insecure. Successful and not like a failure. But then I realized...the issues that I have pushed away with food for so long are now in the front row, holding big signs and staring right at me.
When we stop putting food in our mouth to deal with our issues...these issues will come to the surface. They don't come to the surface as a punishment but as an opportunity for Jesus to heal those parts of your heart. He can't heal what you are not willing to offer up to him and let go of.
So the past few weeks have been some of the toughest of my life...and I haven't turned to food like I would have before. I have turned to God more now than ever before. I feel extremely close to Him but here is my confession...
I feel unsettled and unconsolable.
I feel weak and vulnerable.
I feel out of control like at any moment my emotions could fall out and spill all over the floor making a HUGE mess that I won't ever be able to clean up.
When I asked God to come into my life and heal the broken parts of my heart...he didn't take that request lightly. I struggle with issues of control, like most women of this world. Even if the world was falling around outside of me, I could ALWAYS control my reactions and emotions. Lately, the control is almost non-exsitant.
I desperately pray and desire peace in my heart and mind. Not the kind of peace this world offers, but Holy peace. I realize that I can't have control issues and Holy peace in me at the same time, there isn't enough room. God is making room in me for more of His presence and less of me trying to control everything. God is doing a mighty work in me and even though it is uncomfortable and messy. I will continue to be weak, vulnerable, unsettled and let him take over because He loves me enough to not leave me where I am at.
As you walk on this journey...remind yourself that it is ok not to be perfect. It is ok to feel like a mess. Comfortable people rarely get to see God work in a mighty way. I would rather look like a total mess to this world than close myself off to my Savior and Creator.
So until He is finished His work in me...Lord, I want more of you and less of me...and I don't care what that process looks like on the outside.
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